Coming Out From Under
Today I am sharing my first blog. I have been working on coming out from under codependency through counselling and daily meditations for over a year now. In this space I will reflect back on some of the lessons I have learned in the past 14 months but this will mostly be fresh growth for me as I move forward. Yet many lessons are repeated. Isn’t this often the way in life, lessons reoccur until we finally get them? Today is such a case.
I am feeling so very lonely. In my loneliness I search for a remedy. I think of all of my friends who I could call to do something with on this last day before I am officially back to work for the year. I call a few of them, but I know this isn’t even what I want. I talk to my sister who is feeling similarly and that soothes my heart, simply to connect. My heart is crying out for a romantic companion, for a love. I know the time is not right for this as I have just come to the end of what was a sweet potential romance. There is much I want to establish in my own life and doing it on my own and not through the energy of a man who would prove to be either my catalyst or a roadblock seems wise.
So I must face my loneliness. Last year when I began this journey of coming out from under, one of the first lessons I had from Melody Beattie was to give thanks for the first issues that spring to mind in the morning. Give thanks for loneliness? What kind of crazy is that? Yet after a year of this practice of gratitude for even troubling issues, I see the wisdom in it. I can say today that I am grateful for this experience of being alone because it will give me the freedom to choose when I am ready to share that part of me that is so tender right now.
I am also grateful for this loneliness because it turns me towards my center, to see where my strength and my identity lie. I must see what I have, what lies within. Today when I was searching for a group of codependents to connect with in town I read this on the site for CoDa.
No longer do we need to rely on others as a power greater than ourselves. May we instead find a new strength within to be that which God intended – Precious and Free.
I check back to see what the meditation for today was. It is about patience. Melody Beattie writes:
Sometimes we get what we want right away. At other times, we wonder if our desires will ever be fulfilled.
We will be fulfilled in the best way possible and as quickly as possible. But some things take time.
Sometimes, we have lessons to learn first, lessons that prepare us so we can accept the good we deserve. Things are being worked out in us, and in others. Blocks in us are being removed. A solid foundation is being laid.
Be patient. Relax and let go. Then, let go some more. Good things are planned for us. We will receive them at the first available moment. We will have what our heart longs for.
Relax and trust.
I am reminded of another one of the first lessons I got from Melody Beattie. And that was to let go of that which I most want. While my heart has been working on letting go of this desire for a whole year, I am certain that this loneliness is guiding me to a deeper acceptance.
My prayer is that my sharing blesses your heart.
Next time I will explore what I mean by coming out from under.